


Take Me Back to the Start

by WinchesterandAngel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Anal, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angel and Devil, Biting, Blow Jobs, First Time Blow Jobs, Headcanon, Inner Dialogue, Longing, M/M, Pining, Season/Series 15, Top!Cas, bottom!Dean, make-up sex, safe sex, spoilers but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:13:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22097710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinchesterandAngel/pseuds/WinchesterandAngel
Summary: When Dean has to go on a hunt without Sam, he brings the one person that he can't stand.And the one person he can't live without.(there are songs that go with each chapter)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 12
Kudos: 49





	1. Archive, Pt. IX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title of the chapter is a song by kwajbasket. Please listen while reading.

It’s 11 am when Dean finally wakes up. He blinks his eyes open and brings up a hand to rub the sleep away. He glances around his room. Empty except for him, naturally. The ticking of the clock on the opposite wall keeps a steady rhythm as the hunter stares up the ceiling and lets his arm land above his head on the pillow. 

He doesn’t know why he’s still lying there. He should get up and start the day, but he can’t quite yet. His legs refuse to move. Maybe it’s cause he didn’t go to bed until 5 am and his body is telling him to go back to sleep. Just a couple more hours it whispers to him. Or maybe it’s because of the internal war in his brain that keeps him awake until he drinks himself into unconsciousness.

_‘It’s tearing you apart’_ his mind teases, _‘It’s what R. Kelly has been saying. Your body’s telling you yes, but your mind is…actually that’s telling you yes too’_  
Dean groans and covers his face with his hands. Why did this have to happen? Why did he have to catch feelings?

For all people…why did it have to be for Cas?

It’s 12:30 when Dean finally get the courage to roll out of bed and walk to the kitchen. He stepped down the long corridor away from his room, his feet softly tapping the cold cement floor. He regrets not putting socks on.

_We need to get heated floors…_

He rounds the corner and steps down into the kitchen to find Sam sitting at the table with his laptop in front of him and an empty plate with a few pieces of crust left. The younger brother glances up towards the other hunter and grins, “It lives.”

Dean blindly flips him the bird as he pours coffee into a semi-clean mug he found in the sink. He hears Sam chuckle as he lifts the mug to his lips and take a sip, grimacing at the cold temp of the drink and proceeds to dump it back out. _Beer it is…_

“So,” Sam clears his throat, “I might’ve found us a case. So get this-“

“So get this.” Dean says at the same time. Sam glares at him, rolls his eyes and looks back at the laptop. Dean smirks and pops open the bottle of beer he grabbed out of the fridge on the edge of the wooden table, hitting it with the heel of his left hand, before sitting down across from Sam. 

“Anyway, an article came out this morning over in South Dakota. Two couples found in a forest dead, drained of all blood and their throats ripped out.” Sam dragged his finger over the screen as he read the words in the article.

“Vampires?” Dean took a swig of his beer.

“Vampires.” Sam confirmed with a nod. Dean sloshed the liquid in his mouth and swallowed. He slaps his hand on the table and stands up.

“Sounds good, Sammy. I’ll get dressed and meet you at the car. I just need to find a shirt that I don’t care gets-“

_“Actually…”_

Dean stops in the doorway and turns back around. Sam pivots in his seat. “I’m not coming.”

Dean furrowed his brows, “You’re not coming? Why?”

Sam kept his gaze down and picked at his nails, “I have….plans”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up and he scoffed, “You have _plans_.”

“Is there an echo in here? Yes, I have plans. Besides, it’s a routine hunt. You’ll be fine.”

“What are these _plans_ that you speak of?” Dean leans against the door frame and takes another sip of his beer. “Or should I say _who_ …?” He dragged the last word out with a small sing song to his voice.

The younger brother huffed, “If you have to know…I’m meeting up with Eileen.”

Dean snickered, “Sammy, you dog!” Sam shook his head in embarrassment, “No, I’m sorry, you and her have been tip toeing around each other for too long. I started to think something was up.”

“I was just-“

“Dude, you don’t need to explain yourself.” Dean held his hand up to stop him, “I get it. You finally got the girl, now you just gotta _‘get the girl’_ , if you know what I mean.”

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a long breath, “Seriously, Dean?” The older hunter laughed and clapped his brother on the shoulder.

“Okay, Sammy, I’ll leave you alone, but I can’t do this hunt on my own. Who knows how many vamps are in there. I’ll call Ralph and Tim and fill them in. I heard they were in Omaha a couple days ago so they can easily zip up there.” Dean reached in his pocket and grabbed his phone and started scrolling through his contacts.

“Just take Cas.”

Deans thumb froze on the screen. Of course Sam suggested him. How is he supposed to know that Cas was the last person Dean wanted to see right now. He’s been trying so hard to avoid him over the last few months, but clearly not enough to have Sam notice that.

“Dean, I know that you guys aren’t really on the best terms at the moment.”

_Oh, he did notice._

“But he’s the only one we know will do the job properly.”

The internal war was starting up again. _You cannot be around him. You won’t be able to focus on the case._

_But if you survive, imagine the celebratory sex you could have after._

Dean mentally shook the thoughts away. Damnit…Sam was right. Despite everything, Cas was a damn good hunter, and that was coming from him.

_Fuck…why did Sam have to see the good in everyone?!_

In the library, a rush of air blew by with the accompaniment of wing flutters as Dean double checked he had everything he needed in his duffel. Machete? Check. Dead Mans Blood? Check. His dignity and self worth? _Oh I seem to have misplaced that._

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean looked to his left where the deep greeting came from. Cas stood about 7 feet away from him, as stoic as he always was. The hunter couldn’t help looking him up and down, almost searching for something to tease him about, but of course, he looks the goddamn same. Same dirty trenchcoat, same flip flopped tie. Same two top shirt buttons undone that almost line up with his Adam’s apple as it bobbed up and down. He could picture himself dragging his tongue over it and nibbling on his jawline as he snuck his hand under his-

“Hey Cas. Hows it going?”

Sam’s sudden interruption made Dean jump and let the breath he didn’t know he was holding go. He cleared his throat and quickly looked back down at his bag, pretending to go through his tiny check list again. His dignity still ain’t there.

“Hello Sam.” Castiel nodded at Sam with a grin as the younger hunter stood on the opposite side of the table across from him and Dean. There was a long silence between the three of them. Dean stopped rummaging through his bag and zoned-out, staring down at the wood grain on the table. He leaned some of his body weight onto his right leg and tapped the table with the pad of his index finger, unsure if he should speak up or wait for someone else to say something.

“Alright so,” Sam broke the silence. _Thank fuck._ “You guys know where you’re going? Dean?”

Dean blinked up at Sam who was staring back at him, “What? Yeah, uh, Harrold, South Dakota. Should be there in about 6 hours, give or take. Gank the vampy sons-of-bitches and be out of there by sunrise.”

Sam nodded with a grin, confident that they’ll be fine setting off without him and left the room, leaving the other two alone. The silence came back with a vengeance.

_You can last 12 hours in a car with him. It’ll be fine. You lasted more than that with worse. Just don’t find a tree to wrap yourself around and you’ll be fine._

_Or, you can take little longer, pull over after an hour or so, and suck him off still he goes blue in the face._

Dean wanted to scream. This is his brain, so why is it working against him?! He could use the stiffest drink he can find right now.

Maybe he should take up smoking again?

The hunter zipped up the duffle and swung it over his shoulder. He turned to the angel. “We going or what?” He quickly stepped around him, barely knocking into his shoulder, and made his way to the garage. _Let’s just get this over with._


	2. I've Left My Mind Onboard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is a song by kwajbasket. Please listen while reading.

They’ve been on the road for 2 hours. 2 hours of complete silence except for the radio playing Led Zeppelin so faintly you could barely hear the crash of the cymbals. The rain popped as it hit the windshield but all Dean could hear was the inhales and exhales of the man beside him.

They haven’t said a word to each other. Not even a small exchange of pleasantries. _How have you been? Do you need to pee? Hungry?_

Ever since Mary died, Dean couldn’t shake the anger that pooled inside him. They trusted Jack because they trusted Cas and look what happened. Mary’s gone. Jack’s gone and Chuck is tossing them around like puppets and they can’t do anything about it. All they can do is carry on with what little “Free Will” they have and save people. Hunt things. _You know…._

But now, the one person he didn’t want to see is sitting 2 feet away from him and all he wants to do is open the car door and bail and not face the situation head on.

_But when do we ever get what we want…_

It was quiet for another 10 minutes until…

_“Dean…”_

The hunter tensed from the sudden voice on his right. He blinked and made a small glance at the angel before looking back at the road. “Uh, yeah Cas? Whats up?”

There was a beat, then, “I know you don’t want to be here. With me.”

_Yeah, no shit, Sherlock…_

“But if we’re going to get out of his hunt alive, we need to put our differences aside.”

Dean let out an exasperated breath, “I can’t…Cas. It’s not that easy.”

The angel nodded, “I know.”

“I can’t just let it go. You know that. This isn’t a small argument that we had about flipping the laundry. It’s…” Dean bit his lip. He couldn’t bring himself to say anymore than that or his emotions would get the best of him. All he could do is take him as much air as he could into his lungs, hold it for a few seconds and let it back out slowly, trying to calm his nerves and not scream in the angels face. That would do neither of them any good.

“Once we deal with the vampires, we will go back to the bunker, say our goodbyes and go our separate ways, as planned.” Cas assured the hunter, and looked back out the side window.

“I will do my best.” said Dean, flatly, and it went quiet again.

_Just for this trip. That’s it. You can do that._

Dean really hoped so.

They finally hit Fort Thompson, South Dakota at around 8:30 pm. It was just starting to get dark and they had about 45 minutes until they reached Harrold so they decided to stop at a Gas N’ Sip to grab a snack, fill up and go over a couple things before they headed to where the nest was.

Dean put the Impala into park, cut the engine and turned to the angel, “I’m gonna gas up. You pin out where this nest is on the map in the glove box.” and he swung himself out of the car, slamming the door shut. 

Castiel pushed the button on the glove box door in front of him and the door dropped open, revealing said map. He grabbed it and opened it up, finding South Dakota and folding up the rest of it so he could see just the state. After a few minutes, Dean got back in the car holding a coke and a bag of Fritos. He opened the bag, took a couple pieces, shoved them in his mouth and angled the bag towards Cas. He made a small hum, apparently asking if Castiel wanted any. The Angel shook his head and Dean shrugged, grabbing a couple more pieces and eating them.

“Well?” He said, still chewing. “Where is it?”

“There’s a barn 10 minutes outside of town. Thats were they’ll be.” Cas pointed on the map a road just north of Harrold. 

“Cool. Lets go.” He put his bag of chips on the seat beside him, and pulled out of the gas station with nothing but gravel flying out behind them as they sped onto the road.

The rain still didn’t let up. If anything, it was raining harder now and Dean had to turn on the windshield wipers faster to be able to see the road lines. They turned left onto 195th street and drove up to a dirt driveway just angled off the road.

Or what used to be a dirt driveway. It was now just a sea of mud that no one except for maybe a monster truck could drive through. Dean pulled over onto the shoulder across from the mouth of the driveway and cut the engine. 

“Alright,” he said with a huff. “My car ain’t getting down there unless we want to get stuck. We’re gonna have to foot it.” He looked at Cas who then nodded. Dean zipped up his jacket all the way and they got out of the car and rounded to the trunk. Dean grabbed his duffel with all the weapons they needed, plus a couple of syringes of Papa Campbell’s vampire cure, just in case. Cas made sure he had his angel blade on him. Dean closed the trunk and swung his bag over his shoulder. Him and Cas caught eyes. The rain was pelting them in the face but Dean could care less at the moment. He watched as the rain drops hit the angels spikey hair, flattened it and dripped off. Dean bet that he looked the same, but the way that the water rolled down the angels stubbled skin…Dean could barely contain his small grin and tiny sigh that sneaked past his lips. 

“Should we go?” asked Castiel, his brows just furrowed. Dean licked his lips and nodded. 

“Yes. Yeah. Let’s go.” He adjusted his bag on his shoulder. He spun away from Cas, looking both ways down the street, making sure no one was coming and the two of them made their way into the driveway. 

They were immediately met with mud at least a foot and a half deep. Dean cursed as his boot almost got stuck and he managed to wiggle it free, but not without stumbling. Castiel thankfully caught him before he face planted by grabbing his right wrist and elbow. Dean got his footing back on more dry ground on the edge of the driveway and stood up straight. 

“Thanks Cas.” He grinned at him. Cas nodded back.

“Of course.”

Dean glanced down and saw that Cas still had a hold on his elbow. He lifted his eyes to the angels, “Uh, Cas? Can I have my arm back?”

Cas released the hunters elbow and dropped his arm to his side, “My apologies.”

Dean bowed his head and started walking again, staying on the drier edge of the driveway, the angel trailing behind. He hoped it was dark enough to hid his blush that creeped over his cheeks.

10 rain logged minutes later, they finally reached the barn. They found an abandoned old Ford truck on cement blocks and hid behind it, kneeling to the ground. Dean held a finger to his lips to signal Cas to stay quiet and he peaked around the trucks front bumper. There were two vamps standing outside the barn door chatting, facing away from the truck. Dean turned back to his accomplice. “Two vamps so far. Who knows how many are inside.” He talked low, knowing that the rain would drown the sound of his voice out anyway. 

Cas nodded, “I’ll go around back if you distract those two.”

Dean tapped the sheathed machete on his hip. Cas stood, but stayed bent over and stepped slowly to the back of the truck. He looked around, gave Dean a blind thumbs-up, and ran out of sight. Dean waited for any sign of the vamps spotting the angel and going after him, but heard nothing.

_Atta boy._

The hunter shuffled to his left, slipped the sheath more behind him and stepped out from behind the truck. He slowly walked into the center of the clearing in front of the barn and stood.

“You know… you’ll catch a cold if you stand out in the rain for too long.”

The two vampires quickly spun around and snarled at him. Dean smiled a sinister grin, hovering his hand over the handle of the machete. He bowed his head and looked up at the monsters.

“Come and get it..”

The two vamps ran at him.

_Let’s do this!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter one, but I think this is going pretty well so far! While writing this fic, I have been listening to kwajbasket non-stop. I'll most likely be editing the chapter titles later to titles of songs that go well with each chapter. Anyway, enjoy!
> 
> P.S.: This is the abandoned barn they are at. Just imagine it's dark, muddy and rainy and there's more trees surrounding the driveway: https://www.google.com/maps/@44.5620067,-99.7678468,223m/data=!3m1!1e3


	3. A False Promise and Shuttr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is two songs by kwajbasket. Please listen while reading.

(A False Promise) 

Red. That’s all Dean sees.

Blood. That’s all Dean smells.

Whether it’s his or the vamps, who knows, but the smell is overpowering, and he’s exhausted. There had to be at least 30 or so vamps in this nest, which is uncommon as they usually only stay in packs of 6-8 at most.

_I guess this is HQ._

Once he ganked the two guards outside, he threw open the doors of the barn to see the entire nest. They all turned and looked at him, and Dean could feel the tension in the barn get tight. The air went cold and hair stuck up on the back of his neck.

Suddenly, a scream came from the back of the pack. Dean couldn’t see who made it, but then a second scream sounded. Dean spotted Castiel slashing his angel blade and slicing off heads left and right. That caused the nest to erupt and they all ran at the two hunters.

Dean swung his machete at the vampire in front of him and the head went flying to the left. He stood there for a second, trying to catch his breath, grunting every exhale, but a pair of hands shoved him in the back and he flew forward into the dirt.

Dean flipped over onto his back just as a vamp jumped on him, straddling him, locking him to the ground. It launched for Dean’s neck but the hunter blocked it with his arm. He fought the vamps strength, but he knew he couldn’t last much longer. With one final burst of adrenaline, he brought the blunt end of the machete up and whacked the vamp in the temple, which deterred it enough for Dean to come back with the blade and slice.

The vamps head dropped onto Dean’s chest and rolled off, leaving a pool of blood on his shirt. _Well, that’s getting thrown out later._

He quickly stood up and looked around him. He spotted the angel fighting off a vamp to his far left. Cas kicked the vamp in the stomach, knocking it backwards and launched at it with a swung of his blade to its neck, the head coming clean off. Cas glanced over and locked eyes with Dean, his mouth agape allowing him to take in more air. 

Dean nodded with a grin. _You’re doing good. Just don’t get dead._

Cas nodded back as if he understood.

But then, the wind was knocked out of Dean as a vamp grabbed his jacket with both hands and shoved him back into the wall of the barn. Dean’s back slammed into the wood, his head flying back. He’s clenched his eyes shut from the instant burning in the back of his skull. That’s gonna leave a mark. 

He opened his eyes just in time for the vamp to come at him and Dean held the blade of his machete in front of him as a shield. The vamp ran into the blade and decapitated itself. 

_Dumbass._  
A vamp came running up on Dean’s right and he flung his arm out, wedging the blade through the vamps neck and into the wood wall.

Then it went silent.

Dean bowed his head and stared at his shoes. Waiting for that last scream of anger from the dreaded monster they were here for.

Nothing.

The hunter lifted his head, opening his eyes. The barn was still. There were headless bodies and bodiless heads strewn out everywhere, but it was quiet.

They did it.

Dean felt the adrenaline start to leave his bloodstream as his shoulder’s slumped and he allowed himself to breath fully. Taking in as much air as he could and letting it out slowly.  
He glanced at himself. His grey jacket was now 85% red and sticky with blood. His jeans were torn and dark brown, a mix of mud and blood. His boots… _I guess those are getting tossed too…_

“Dean!” came the angels voice.

Dean lifted his head and saw Castiel walking towards him. He looked the same as Dean. His trenchcoat soaked in blood and mud. His hair mussed and tears in the fabric of his coat went in every direction.

He looked as beautiful as he always has.

Dean out a huff as his pushed himself off the wall and yanked his machete out of the wood. “Cas…” he answered, his voice hoarse.

Then he heard something. Thumping…like footsteps. Running footsteps.

Dean glanced behind Cas and saw one lone vamp sprinting towards to angel.

“CAS LOOK OUT!” He screamed, pointing behind the angel.

Castiel spun around, but not fast enough. The vampire attacked him, slamming him to the ground and screamed in his face. Cas brought his arms up to cover his face from the vamp’s retched fangs, but the vamp snapped at the fabric blocking Cas’ skin.

Dean saw the the angel dropped his blade at least 10 feet back. He wouldn’t been able to grab it in time. So, he ran at the vamp with his machete but tripped over a headless body and hit the ground hard, the world instantly went black.

(Shuttr)

Dean awoke with a searing pain in his skull. 

“Fuckin’ hell… Cas?” He lifted his face from the dirt and blinked, clearing his vision. He looked around him, until he spotted a small fragment of tan fabric. 

“Shit! Cas!”

He sprung up, at bit too fast for his body’s liking and he stumbled back to the ground. He started to crawl over to the angel, quickly maneuvering over bodies and heads until he reached his friend.

Cas was still. There was so much blood on him, Dean couldn’t see where a wound ended or skin began. The angels face was slack, his eyes closed.

“Cas?” The hunter spoke, desperately. He tapped the angels’ face lightly. “Cas??” His voice got more urgent. He placed two fingers under his chin. There was a pulse, but just barely. “Come on Cas, wake up buddy.” He shook the angel’s shoulder. “Cas!”

The angel’s eye lids twitched.

“Yeah Cas, I’m here. Wake up. We need to get out of here.” He tapped Cas’ cheek a few times, causing the angel’s eyes to blink open. He was disoriented, but he was alive, and that was enough for Dean.

“De-“ Cas’ interrupted himself with a groan. He squeezed his eyes shut.

“Hey Cas. It’s me. Can you stand? We need to get out of here before more vamps show up. Cas…CAS! Hey! Stay with me.”

Cas’ eyes started to flutter closed and Dean cursed. _Fuck, he can’t walk._

“I can’t carry you. I’m too weak myself. I’m gonna have to drag you. Open your eyes, Cas!” He tapped the angel’s cheek again which made his eyes open. “Look at me, look at me…hey. You’ll be fine. I’ll get you out of here.”

Cas locked eyes with Dean. He made a small nod. Dean stood up and stood at Cas’ head. He kneeled down, got both hands under the angel’s armpits and lifted him up. A high pitched cry came from Cas at the sudden movement.

“I know, dude, I know. I don’t feel peachy either. You’re fine.” Dean started to walk backwards. The heels of the angel’s shoes dragged in the dirt as he was pulled to the barn doors. Dean stopped when he noticed the doors were closed again. He carefully lifted one foot and kicked the door open. It swung open with a bang and he walked backwards through. _Fuck! Why is it still raining?!_

Dean glanced down at the angel in his arms and his head was limp against his shoulder. The hunter started to panic. He bounced him a few times to jostle him awake.

“Cas! CAS! Come on, stay with me. Talk to me dude.” His voice cracked. 

“Dean…” it was faint, but it was something. Dean let out a shaky breath and glanced behind himself every once in a while to make sure he wasn’t walking into anything. 

“Atta boy, keep doing that. We’re almost at the car. Just keep saying my name.” The rain pelted them in the face as they slumped through the mud. The blood in Dean’s hair started to drip down his forehead and into his left eye. He shut it to keep anymore out.

“Dea….”

A lump was starting to form in his throat. Cas did not sound good. Not at all. “Stay with me Cas….” The angel’s weight got heavier. “Don’t die on me Cas!! Not today!!”

Dean’s foot finally hit solid ground and he looked behind him. The impala was parked on the other side of the road, right where they left it. Dean could scream with happiness if he didn’t have other important matters.

He dragged the angel across the road and to the passenger side door. He managed to get the door open, and with the last bit of energy that he had, slump the angel onto the seat and lift his feet into the car.

The hunter had to lean against the door to catch his breath. They were back at the car. They got rid of the whole nest. They were done. They did it. Dean couldn’t help a small grin form on his lips.

A small cry from the car shook him from his thoughts and he looked at Castiel. He was clutching his side and blood pooled though his fingers and onto the seat.

“Shit, shit, shit! Cas. You know what to do. Heal yourself dude!”

Cas managed to shake his head. Dean furrowed his brows “Cas?”

“I-…I ca-…I can’t.” The angel whispered, his breath shallow.

Dean couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “What are you talking about Cas? You’re an angel! Heal yourself or you’re gonna die!”

Castiel gritted his teeth and willed his eyes open. Tears instantly fell. “I dont-…I don’t have…any grace…left.” Every word was a challenge to him.

Dean froze. _No grace? How does that even…_

“Cas, stop fucking with me.” Tears stung at Dean’s eyes as he gritted his teeth and pointed at him. “Heal yourself right fucking now.”

Cas dropped his head back against the seat. 

_He’s giving up._

_No…_

_He can’t…_

“For fucks sake Cas!” The hunter was sobbing now. “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?!” He got no answer from the angel. “Cas, please…I can’t lose you!”

Cas was still. No sounds. No movement.

Only the round of the rain hitting the windshield.

Dean let out a sob. “No….no, no, no, no…” he cupped the angel’s face in his hands, staring intently. He waited for the angel’s eyes to open, but to no avail.

Dean sprung into action. He sprinted to the driver’s seat, turning the car on, and sped onto the road. He google searched the nearest hospital and drove to it. The whole drive, he held the angel’s hand in his as he sobbed.

_I am not going to lose you. Not yet. You mean too much to me._

After 30 excruciating minutes, they finally reached the hospital. He skidded to a stop in the emergency drop off, got out, sprinted around the front of the car and flung open Cas’ door. He started to lift the angel out of the car when he screamed to the sliding doors of the hospital. “SOMEONE HELP ME!!”

Instantly, 3 doctor’s ran out to help Dean lift Cas up and onto a stretcher. They ran into the hospital and straight into the emergency room. One nurse stepped in front of Dean and placed a hand on his chest. “Sir, you have to stay here.”

“No! He’s my family! I need to be with him!” Dean yelled.

“Sir! There’s already too many people in there. You need to wait out here. We’ll come back as soon as possible with an update.”  
The nurse ran off through the swinging emergency room doors and left Dean standing there. Tears still rolled down his face as he stood there, unable to move. He clutched the front of his jacket as he stared at the doors.

_Don’t die on me! Don’t you dare die on me!_

Sam rolled over in bed when his phone started buzzing on the side table next to him. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes with one hand while picking up the phone with the other and glanced at the caller ID.

Eileen sat up behind him and looked at Sam confused. _“Who is it?”_ she signed.

Sam mouthed back, _“My brother.”_ and pressed the green button on the screen. “Dean? Whats up? It’s 4 am?” All Sam heard on the other end was a sniff. Sam immediately swung his legs off the side of the bed. “Dean? What happened?” his voice went flat. 

There was silence on the other end before a quiet voice spoke, “It’s Cas…”

Sam was taken back. He’s never heard Dean’s voice so soft before. So broken. There was a beat and Dean spoke again.

“At the nest….a vamp got him….he…he couldn’t h-heal himself, Sammy…” 

Dean was sat in a private waiting room in the hospital all alone. It was dark except for a small table lamp in the corner where he sat, slumped over, leaning his elbows on his knees and his forehead resting on the heel of his right hand. It had been 3 hours since he showed up with Cas, and it’s been 3 hours of nothing. No updates, no one coming to check on him. I mean, could he blame them? Two middle aged men showing up at the hospital absolutely soaked in blood and one unresponsive. How do you interpret that other than assuming their serial killers.

Sam let out a long breath and ran his fingers through his hair. He then paused and furrowed his brows. “He couldn’t heal himself? Why?”

Dean took him a shaky breath. “His grace is gone, Sam…he’s human.”


	4. Where Is Everyone, Don't Let Go, WtchHzl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter title are songs by kwajbasket. please listen while reading.

_(Where Is Everyone)_

Dean told Sam to stay home. There was no reason for him to drive 6 hours to the hospital now. Sam argued of course, saying that Dean couldn’t be alone right now, but Dean assured him he would be okay.

_That was a lie, but whatever._

Their phone call finally ended with Sam saying, “Text me as soon as there is any updates.”

“Will do.” Dean replied, flatly. He didn’t mean to sound so annoyed. He was just exhausted. He’d been awake for 17 hours now, and all he wanted to do is drink himself into a week long alcohol induced coma. 

He pressed the red hang up button on his phone and dropped it on the pleather covered seat next to him. He dropped his face into his hands and took a deep breath in. 

_How did this go so wrong?_

_How did they miss that one vamp?_

_Where did Cas’ grace go?_

Dean’s brain wouldn’t let up. So many questions and what if’s and shouldn’t haves.

_Cas shouldn’t have come._

_Why did he drop his blade?_

Dean wanted to scream. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to smoke.

He wanted this to be a dream.

He wanted this to stop.

He wanted Cas to be okay.

The hunter’s leg started to bounce unconsciously. Lightly at first but then got quicker and quicker. His hands fell away from his face when it suddenly got hotter in the room and sweat began to accumulate on his palms. His throat got scratchy, and his lungs couldn’t hold much air anymore.

Dean quickly stood up and squeezed his eyes shut. He tried to control his heartbeat but it was almost impossible. He could feel it. The slight ache as it felt as if it was going to jump out his chest.

The room went blurry around him and a ringing started in his ears. His head started to throb. He couldn’t see around him or comprehend what was happening.

Then suddenly, something cold whacked his face and the ringing stopped. He heard pats of footsteps come close to him and a muffled voice. It was intermittent, but it was higher pitched. A woman.

He felt a touch on his arm and the voice started to become more clear. 

“Sir? Sir! Are you with me? Mr. Winchester?”

Dean blinked his eyes open and gasped. The room started to sharpen as he tried to catch his breath.

_Why am I on the floor?_

He blinked up to see a redheaded woman looking down at him with slight panic on her face. She wore light blue scrubs and had an ID pass clipped to her chest.

_Desiree Campbell. Nurse._

“Mr. Winchester? Can you hear me?”

Dean nodded his head and swallowed. “Yeah, yeah….I’m good.” He pushed himself up from the floor and sat up, his vision going white. His stomach churned from the movement and the hunter groaned.

“Sir, you just had a severe panic attack and you hit your head pretty hard. Do you know where you are?” The nurse asked, her voice calm.

Dean thought, “South Dakota, uh….St. Mary’s Hospital…” He squeezed his eyes shut and took in a deep breath, hoping to subdue the nausea in his throat.

“Good. Is it okay if I check you over? Just incase you hurt yourself in any other way. I’ll have to patch up that cut on your forehead too.” 

The hunter slowly opened his eyes and looked towards the nurse. She had soft features. Her green eyes bored into his, which helped his eyes focus and the dizziness started to go away. He reached up and touched the left side of his forehead. A slight sting came back and his looked at his finger which now had a small do of blood on it. Dean nodded.

“Okay, come on.” Desiree held onto Dean’s arm and helped him stand. He shuffled a bit to get his balance back. Desiree’s strong grip helped immensely, and they walked out of the room.

_(Don’t Let Go)_

“Alright Mr. Winchester,” Desiree put one last trip of medical tape over the gauge on Dean’s forehead, “All patched up.”

“Thank you,” Dean replied with a grin, “and call me Dean. Not a fan of Mister.”

A small smiled creeped over Desiree’s lips. “Okay, Dean. Your vitals seem to be okay. Your iron is low though so that could’ve contributed to the attack as well.” She picked up her stethoscope from the counter and hung it around her neck. They were in a small examination room and Dean was sat on one of those paper covered beds. “Do you have a history of panic attacks or anxiety?”

Dean shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. I’ve never had a panic attack before.”

Desiree nodded, “Right well. For right now, I suggest you get something to eat, find a place to stay and get some rest. Lack of sleep is detrimental to the brain and with that and not having eaten in a while, your body can’t repair itself.”

Dean shook his head when he heard ‘find a place to stay’. “No no, I can’t do that. I can’t leave him here alone. What is he wakes up and I’m not here? What if he doesn’t know where he is?” Dean’s heart rate started to climb again and his breathing got laboured.

“Woah, woah. Okay Dean. Dean, look at me. Calm breaths. In and out.” Desiree took Dean’s hands in hers and half them tightly. The hunter looked her dead in the eyes and attempted to copy her breathing. 5 seconds in, 5 seconds out. 5 seconds in, 5 seconds out. His heart finally started to slow and his breathing began to even out. “Good. You’re okay.”

Dean closed his eyes and hung his head. “Sorry…This never happens to me… like ever.” He swallowed.

“It’s alright. Just…listen to me. I have an idea. I live just down the road. My shift is over in 20 minutes. How about you go back to the waiting room and once I’m done, you can come stay at my place tonight? I’ll feed you. You can have a little rest. I have a guest room.”

Dean looked up into the nurses eyes. He was confused. Why was she being so nice to him. He’s just a random dude who passed out on the floor.

_And still covered in dried blood, no less._

“No you don’t-you don’t have to do that. I can’t-“

Desiree squeezed his hands. “I insist. I got word that your friend will be out for a while. He won’t be waking up alone. I’ll make sure of it. You can come back with me when I start again at 2.”

Dean bit his lip. He sighed and nodded. “Okay.”

Desiree smiled. “Okay.”

Desiree opened the door to her apartment and walked in, Dean following behind her. He walked past her into the main room as she closed the door and dropped her keys into the bowl on table next to her.

The apartment was big. White walls and salt and pepper carpet. The beige living room furniture in front of him were arranged into a square in the corner facing the large flat screen TV. An archway leading into the kitchen which was a light shade of purple was on his left and two doors were on his right on the far wall. Obviously bedrooms.

“Welcome to my humble abode.” said Desiree with a chirp in her voice. For 5 am, she was way too awake to have just worked a 12 hour shift in emergency. She shuffled past Dean to one of the doors on the far wall. “This is the guest room. The bathroom is the first door on the right when you walked in the front door.”

Dean just stared at her, void of emotion. He could barely understand what the last 8 hours were, let alone what she is saying to him at the moment. 

But, Dean was almost at ease. This girl, who he only met maybe 45 minutes ago, was treating him like they have been friends for years. Making sure he was okay.

_It was surreal._

But then he couldn’t stop thinking about Cas. Lying in that cold, white hospital. Alone, hurt and scared. He could wake up at anytime. He wouldn’t know what was happening.

And Dean wasn’t there. It tore at his heart.

“Dean…”

Desiree’s voice broke through his thoughts and brought him back to earth. She stood in front of him, with sadness on her face. “I know you’re worried about your friend, but I can assure you that he getting the best care in the state. The hospital has your cell phone number. They will call you if anything happens. I promise.”

The solace in her voice soothed him. She knew what she was talking about.

“Look, I have some of my ex-boyfriends clothes still.”

Dean made a face and opened his mouth to speak when she shushed him.

“Don’t ask. Anyway, he was about the same size as you. Let me get those and we can throw your dirty clothes in the wash. While you have a shower, I’ll make us something to eat. Sound like a plan?” 

Dean grinned. “Sounds like a plan.” 

Desiree smiled back. “Cool.”

Dean walked out of the bathroom in his new clean clothes and roughly rubbed his hair with a towel. The clothes fit him perfectly. It may not be what he usually wears. The cargo shorts are a little weird and he would never dare let Sam catch him in a freaking polo shirt, but it was good enough for now until his regular clothes are clean.

He was immediately greeted with a smell of onions and bread and his mouth started to water. His stomach rumbled loudly. _Jesus, I didn’t realize I was that hungry._

Dean stepped into the kitchen and saw Desiree at the stove stirring something in a pot and there was a tray with garlic bread beside her on the counter. She looked up and grinned when she saw Dean. “Oh hi! Food is almost ready. I hope you like spaghetti.” 

“Hell yes.” Dean hung the towel over the back of a chair and sat down at the table. Desiree grabbed two plates from the cupboard, filled them up with pasta and bread and brought them both over to the table, placing one down in front of Dean. “Bon Apetit!”

Dean picked up his fork and shovelled some pasta into his mouth. He moaned in satisfaction when he realized how good it was, and then quickly bit off the pasta that was hanging out of his mouth and almost choked.

Desiree burst into laughter. “Oh my god, I’ve never gotten that kind of reaction to my cooking before!”

Dean swallowed and took a sip from the glass of water that was already sat there. “Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to make that sound, jeez.” He couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“No, no, it’s okay! I’ll take the compliment. Thank you.” She spoke through her laughing.

Dean smiled and took another bite of his pasta. They soon finished up and he helped Desiree clean up. It was now 6:30 am and all the starch in his stomach was starting to weigh Dean down and he was suddenly exhausted. He thanked Desiree for the meal and for letting him stay and they both called it a night. But despite how tired Dean was, he couldn’t fall asleep. His brain kept replaying the event so the day before. The drive up, the hunt. Cas…

_Fuck, Cas…_

_I’ll be there when you wake up buddy. I promise._

_I’ll be there…_

Dean woke to a humming coming from behind him. He willed his eyes open, glancing at the digital clock on the dresser on the opposite wall, and slowly rolled over in bed. 

_You got 3 hours of sleep. Better than nothing._

He picked up his phone and looked at the caller ID. He didn’t recognize the number, but he answered it anyway.

“Yeah?” His voice was rough.

“Mr. Winchester? This is St. Mary’s Hospital.” came a man’s voice.

Dean shot up into a sitting position, eyes wide. “Is he awake?”

“He asked to see you.”

_(WtchHazl)_

Dean barely waited for Desiree to stop the car before opening the door and jumping out. When he busted into Desiree’s room after he hung up the call from the hospital, they both quickly got Dean’s clothes out of the wash, changed, and drove down to the hospital. He rushed through the doors to the empty front desk and slammed his fist on the counter. “Hey!”

A nurse came out from behind the nurse’s station. “Oh Mr. Winchester! He’s in room 203.”

“Thanks!” Dean quickly rushed to the stairs and booked it up to the second floor. He swung the door to the floor open and quickly glanced at the sign on the wall. 200-250 to the left, 251-300 to the right. Dean sped walked down the hall to his left until he reached door #203. 

He froze.

He was afraid to go in.

He wasn’t sure what he was going to see in there, but he had a feeing it wasn’t going to be Cas jumping around or playing twister.

He took in the deepest breath he could and slowly let it back out.

_You can do this. This ain’t your first rodeo. You’ve seen worse._

The hunter reached for the door knob and turned it, pushing the door open into the room. He slowly peered around the door, first seeing the end of the bed, then blanket covered feet. Then legs, torso.

His breath caught in his throat.

There was Cas. Lying almost lifeless in the bed. Cords and tubes coming off his arms and two in his nose to help him breathe. 

Dean slowly closed the door and shuffled in. One small step, after one small step. He didn’t know why he was being so quiet. Its like if he took one normal step, it could set something off and kill Cas.

_Don’t be stupid, Dean._

The hunter finally made his way to the bed side. He took in what he saw. There were cuts on Cas’ lips and cheeks. One bigger gash on his eyebrow. His neck was okay, as well as his chest, but Dean’s eyes stopped on the large bandage on Cas’ left side, just below his ribs.

_That’s where all the blood was from._

Dean reached and very softly touched the bandage, but a small gasp came from the angel that made him jump.

_Well…ex-angel now._

Dean quickly took his hand back and looked up at Cas, who was opening his eyes, his lips pursed.

“Cas?”

The ex-angel looked up at the hunter. “Dean?”

“Hey buddy.” Dean saw a chair earlier and grabbed it and pulled it up closer to the bed and sat down. “How you feelin’?”

Cas swallowed and tried to adjust his position, but gave up and groaned. “I-…I’ve been better.”

Dean let out a small laugh. He watched as the ex-angel tilted his head towards him. A small grin appeared on his lips. “How are you, Dean?”

“I’m okay, now that I know you’re okay.”

Cas nodded and he blinked slowly. It was quiet for a beat.

“You really scared me back there, man.” Dean played with the hem of the blanket that was laying over Cas. “I thought I lost you for good.”

“I know…” Cas replied softly. “I should’ve told you before we left the bunker. That was reckless on my part.” 

Dean shook his head as tears stung his eyes. “We would’ve gone in there with a better plan, that’s for sure.” He looked up and locked eyes with the ex-angel, who looked just as distraught.

_Don’t break Dean. You gotta be strong. For both of you._

Dean swallowed down the lump in his throat. “But…you’re okay now. It’s going to take awhile for you to heal, but once you’re out of here, we’re b-lining it back to the bunker and we’ll take care of you. Me and Sam.”

Cas grinned, “Thank you.”

The hunter cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his spikey hair. He rubbed his eye, suddenly aware of how tired he still was, but then froze when he felt something grab his hand. He glanced down to see the ex-angel’s hand over his, squeezing it tight. He looked up at Cas who was looking back at him with the softest expression he has ever seen. That gesture. That look. It changed something in the hunter. There was a click and a shift and an overwhelming wave of… _something_ washed over him.

He couldn’t place it, or name it, but his body started moving before his mind could comprehend what was happening. He left the chair behind him and his other hand seemed to float up to Cas’ cheek and rest softly on it.

The ex-angels expression didn’t change. Nothing alerted Dean to stop moving.

So he didn’t.

Warm breath met warm breath as the space between them got smaller and smaller. It was then when Dean realized what changed in him. What came over him.

It was love.

That feeling of love took control and closed the space between them. A touch that neither of them thought would ever exist.

A sharp breath erupted into Dean’s lungs as he felt the ex-angel’s lips on his and suddenly the world didn’t matter.

Vampire’s didn’t matter.

The impala didn’t matter.

Hell, Sam didn’t matter.

All that mattered was this crushing feeling of want, and need, and longing for this other being that Dean had never felt before.

A feeling that he didn’t want to disappear.


	5. Jn.X34, A Soft Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title are songs by kwajbasket. Please listen while reading.

_Jn.X34_

Castiel stayed in the hospital for another 3 days, just as a precaution, and the doctors said that the wound on his side was healing amazingly. Dean stayed with him most of the day, getting him food, helping him to and from the bathroom, and with his daily hygiene routine.

Except showering, neither of them were comfortable with that. Dean happily stayed outside the bathroom and played on his phone.

Dean introduced Cas to Desiree and they became good friends over the 3 days. Cas enjoyed her company whenever Dean had to leave for any reason.

Everything seemed good, and normal on the surface, but when Dean and Cas were ever alone, they would avoid the subject at all costs.

_The kiss…_

After they broke apart to catch their breath, Dean noticed a sudden dim in Cas’ eyes. There was always a glimmer of…something in them, but ever since that moment, the glimmer wasn’t there. Cas wouldn’t look Dean in the eye for any longer than 2 seconds. They would have conversations, but they weren’t anything more than small talk, really.

“Have you talked to Sam?”

“Yeah, he’s fine. Still with Eileen. Do you need something to eat? Drink?”

“No, thank you.”

That was the extent of it.

Dean was confused first. He kissed him back.

_He wanted this…didn’t he?_

Dean assumed it was because Cas was still weak. He’d been lying in a bed for 3 days straight with barely any exercise. Of course he was tired and weak. Once he’s up and walking out of this sterile bucket of a building, he’ll be good as new.

But once the day came when he was discharged, Dean’s heart sunk.

He wasn’t good as new.

There was a knock at the door and both boys looked up towards it as it cracked open. Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed, shrugging on his shirt and Dean was on the opposite side, zipping up his duffle bag when they saw Desiree walk in with a clip board. “Morning boys!”

Dean grinned, “Morning Des.” Castiel made a small attempt at smiling at her and went back to doing up the buttons on his shirt.

With a smile, Desiree walked over and stood at the foot of the bed. “So, Castiel, it’s time for you to go home. How are you feeling?”

Cas picked up his suit coat and slipped on arm into the sleeve, “I’m fine.” He replied, his voice low.

“Any significant pain anywhere?”

“Nope.”

Dean glared at the back of the ex-angels head and looked up at Desiree. “He didn’t complain at all when he got himself ready this morning while I was still sleeping.” Dean tilted his head slightly, gesturing to the cot on the opposite side of the room.

Desiree nodded and scribbled on her clip board, “That’s good to hear. So, if I could get a signature real quick, you two can be on your way.” 

Castiel held his hand out and Desiree handed him the clip board. He scribbled something on it, who knows if it was his name or not, and handed it back to her, swiftly. Desiree cleared her throat and hugged the clipboard to her chest. “Thank you. Well…I guess that means you’re off.”

“Thanks Des, you were awesome the last couple days.” Dean grinned at her. Desiree stepped in front of Dean.

“Of course, it was the least I could do.” She smiled up at him. Dean lifted his arms and she put the clipboard on the bed so she could wrap her arms around him. Dean hugged her softly, rubbing his hand up and down her back a couple times before they separated. Desiree glanced over at Cas, who just stood up slowly.

“Cas…” Dean warned, “What do you say to Desiree?”

Castiel sighed, “Thank you, Desiree.” A small smile appeared on his lips.

Desiree nodded, “You’re welcome. If you boys are ever back in town, give me a ring. You know where I am. I also wanna meet this younger brother of yours.” She smirked up at Dean and winked. He chuckled.

“Will do.”

They said their goodbyes and she walked out of the room. Dean grabbed the handles of the duffle bag and swung it over his shoulder. “Ready to go, bubble boy?”

Cas nodded and walked around the bed. He still had a small limp because of the wound on his side, but he could walk. Dean wanted to stay near just incase. The entire journey out of the hospital and to the impala, Dean stayed close to Cas’ right side, his hand just hovering at his back, ready to catch him if needed. Once they walked through the automatic doors, the cool morning air enveloped them and blew the awkward tension between them away. Dean grabbed Cas’ elbow when they reached the curb and the hunter stepped down first and gripped tightly as Cas’ stepped down gingerly. No hisses, or winces. Good.

Dean rushed in front of Cas and threw the duffle bag into the trunk and stepped to the passenger seat door to open it for him. They locked eyes in a silent ‘thank you’ and Cas lowered himself in. Dean closed to the door, ran around the back of the car, got in the drivers seat and headed back home.

Dean called Sam when they were about 20 minutes away from the bunker, telling him to be there and ready to help get Cas down the stairs. Cas groaned and insisted that he was fine and could get down the stairs himself. Dean held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, if you say so.”

As they walked into the bunker and swung the large metal door closed, Sam jogged into the map room. “Hey!” He started to come up the stairs, but Dean held his hand out over Cas’ shoulder. “He said he can do it.”

Sam stepped back off the step and Cas started to descend the stairs, very slowly. He held the railing tightly, wincing with every step down, the impact of his heel landing on the step jarring his side. Dean still intended on staying close behind, but he didn’t hover.

Cas finally reached the bottom of the stairs and let out a relieved huff. Sam stood there, unsure what to do. He glanced at Dean as he reached the bottom of the stairs, hoping he would give him answer. Dean shrugged his shoulders.

“Cas?” Sam spoke up, hesitantly.

Castiel looked up at Sam and grinned. “Hello, Sam.”

The younger Winchester smiled back, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.” That seemed to be his answer to everything now. “I just…I think I just need to lie down.”

Dean dropped the duffle on the floor next to the stairs and came to Cas’ side. “Thats a good idea Cas, let’s go-“

“I know where my room is. I don’t need your help.” Cas snapped at him. Dean was taken aback. His eyebrows jumped up as the ex-angel glared at him. Castiel turned around, and headed to his room, alone.

Sam stood there, his mouth agape as his eyes followed Cas’ out of the room. He quickly looked at Dean, who was just as stunned. “What the hell was that about?”

Dean just blinked. He wasn’t expecting that at all. He knew Cas was fed up about being stuck in a hospital for 4 days, but why was he still pissed now? He was home. “How would I know? He was silent on the drive back.”

“Whatever, you need to fill me in on everything that happened over the last few days. Every single detail.” Sam pointed at his brother, firmly. The last time they really spoke was the phone call when Cas’ was admitted, so they had some catching up to do.

Dean nodded, “Alright, I’ll get the beer.”

Well, Dean started with beer. After 10 or so minutes, he switched to whiskey. Him and Sam were sat in the library at the first table, opposite each other. Sam rested his elbows on the table leaned onto them and Dean was lounged back in his chair, his feet up and resting on the edge of the table.

“So the only way I could get both of us out of there quickly is by dragging him. Damn sonofabitch isn’t that light.” He finished off the whiskey in his glass and picked up the bottle on his left to pour himself a 5th drink.

“You didn’t see the huge gash on his side?” Sam exclaimed, his eyebrows shooting up into his hairline.

Dean shook his head, “I was more focused on not dying. He’s was hurting, I knew that much, but we needed to get out of there. Anyway, I finally got him to the car and that’s…” his voice drifted off and he looked down at the glass.

Sam furrowed his brows, “And that’s what?”

Dean let out a shaky breath. Thinking about that 5 minutes in the car before he sped to the hospital was starting to make his heart rate skyrocket. He closed his eyes and rubbed his face roughly with his hand before covering his mouth with this palm and resting his elbow on the table. “Thats where I almost lost him….thats when he said his grace was gone and he couldn’t heal himself. I finally saw the gash on him and he was drifting in and out. I had to go get the front bench in the car reupholstered while he was in the hospital cause there was so much blood soaked into the leather…”

“Jesus…” Sam breathed, and leaned back in his chair. He ran his fingers through his hair.

“How he’s still alive is beyond me. I thought that was it. I rushed him to the ER, they had him in surgery for god knows how long. One of the nurses let me stay at her place then I went back to the hospital early the next day when-“

“Wait, wait, wait, wait…a nurse let you stay the night? At her house?” Sam’s eyes went wide.

“Yeah,” Dean shrugged. “After I got off the phone with you, I had a panic attack and she helped me."

Somehow Sam’s eyes got even wider, which kinda scared Dean. He didn’t know that was possible. “You had a panic attack?! Since when did you start having those?”

“I don’t know! I’ve never had one before. I guess the adrenaline coming down and then not getting any updates on Cas kinda got to me.”

“Then how did you end up sleeping at the nurses?” Sam asked.

“No no, I didn’t sleep with her. I slept at her house. In her guest room. She knew my name and why I was there and I guess she just wanted to be nice. It was better than sleeping in the waiting room that’s for sure.”

The brothers talked for another hour about the events of the past days and Sam decided to order pizza. No one was in the mood to cook tonight.

The eldest brother decided to go change out of the clothes he’d been travelling in all day before the pizza arrived. As he walked to his room, he had to pass Castiel’s room. As he got closer, his steps got slower and slower until he was at the door and he stopped. He stared at the brass ’15’ on the door.

He racked his brain for options. Should he knock on the door and tell him that dinner is on the way? Should he just send him a text? Maybe he’s not hungry?

He most likely didn’t want to see Dean. Who the hell knows why, but he can’t stay in his room forever. If he’s human now, he’s gotta come out eventually.

_Fuck it._

Dean knocked three times with the back of his hand, “Cas? Hey, uh…Sam ordered pizza if you want any.” He waited for some kind of response. Nothing come back. “Come on Cas. You’re gonna have to come out eventually, might as well feed yourself.”

Still no response.

Dean furrowed his brows. He placed his ear against the wood of the door, trying to listen for anything. Bed creaking, tv on.

The door suddenly opened and Dean stumbled forward. He straightened himself up to come face to face with Cas. A sweaty Cas. Whose face was unusually pale.

“Dean… help me…” The ex-angel’s eyes rolled back and his knees gave way. 

“Shit!” Dean caught him under his arms before he hit the floor. He glanced down and saw that he wound had began to bleed again and it soaked completely through Cas’ shirt.

“SAM!!”

_A Soft Death_  
The brothers carried Cas to the infirmary and laid him gently down on one of the beds, Dean at his head and Sam at his feet. They immediately went to work. Dean ripped off Cas’ now ruined shirt and threw it to the side to find the bandage from the hospital completely soaked. “Shit, shit, shit…Sam!”

“Here, here!” Sam ran back over with rags, more bandages and medical tape. He gave them to Dean and started to slowly peel off the old bandage. As Sam did so, Dean quickly covered up the wound with the rags and applied pressure. 

Cas made a painful sound and his face scrunched up and Dean looked up at him, his heart beating at a million miles an hour. “I know buddy, I know. We’re gonna fix you up. Just like I told you.”

Blood seeped through the rags slowly, but it was still an alarming amount of blood. Dean bit his lip as he felt a lump start to form in his throat. 

_He’s gonna be fine. He’ll be fine. Just calm yourself dude._

Dean grabbed a rag he dropped on the floor and pushed that on top of the rags that he was already holding, and blood immediately started soaking through that one as well. He watched as Cas’ breathing got more and more shallow with each passing second. 

“Cas! Don’t die on me now, buddy. Just stay with me, you’ll be fine. Sam! Can you go any faster?!” Dean cried to his brother, who was now unwrapping the new bandage. 

“Okay, move.” Sam ordered. Dean shuffled to the side and as quick as he could, he moved the rags and Sam put the bandage on and secured the tape around it. He applied pressure now with his hands. 

Dean dropped the rags onto the floor and immediately went to Cas’ face. He put his hand on his sweat covered forehead and brushed his hair back. He was colder than normal, but he was still breathing. Dark circles now formed under his eyes and his eyebrows were knotted together.

_But he’s still breathing. He’s still here._

After a while, Sam slowly took his hands off the bandage and waited. Nothing was seeping through for now. They got most of the bleeding to stop thank goodness, but that bandage isn’t going to hold for long, they need to wrap it.

“Dean, can you sit him up? I wanna wrap it so it stays on.” Sam spoke as he ran to a cupboard and grabbed a roll of tension wrap.

Dean tapped Cas’ cheek. “Cas? Cas. Hey buddy, I need you to look at me. We have to sit you up.” There was a small moan from the ex-angel. “Atta boy, open your eyes.”

Dean watched as Cas’ blinked weakly and his eyes opened only half-lidded. “There we go, bud. Up we go.” He said with a grunt and took hold of Cas’ hand and shoulder and pulled him up into a seated position, but not without a pained cry emitting from the ex-angel’s mouth. “I know, I know.”

Sam unwrapped the wrap and started to go around Cas’ torso with it, pulling it tight on the opposite side from the wound.

As Sam worked, Dean wiped Cas’ forehead and face dry from the sweat with his sleeve. Cas’ eyes drooped closed again and his head fell forward onto Dean’s shoulder, making the hunter freeze.

“You’re okay, bud. See? Told you me and Sam would take take of you.” Dean spoke softly, and he almost cried with joy when he heard a small huff of breath fall from Cas’ lips in a very weak attempt of a laugh.


	6. Recovery, Avalon Bay: January 7th, 1991.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title are songs by kwajbasket. Please listen while reading.

_Recovery_

Dean sat next to the bed, his hands clutched together under his chin, and his elbows resting on his knees. He had been sitting there in the infirmary, for an hour or so, ever since Cas fell asleep.

He didn’t get the chance to ask Cas what the hell happened before he passed out, so he decided to sit there and wait, and he wanted to keep an eye on the bandage, just in case they needed to replace it again.

Sam had come by with a plate of some of the pizza they ordered, but Dean’s appetite disappeared. Sam insisted that he eat, but Dean refused, the plate now left on the side table, pizza cold and stiff. The last thing on his mind at the moment was food.

The hunter let out a long breath and dropped his right hand onto his lap, adjusting so his left hand was cupping his temple. He could feel exhaustion start to take over his body, and he fought against it. Squeezing his eyes shut, looking up at the lights, tapping his face, but nothing was working. He could feel his eyelids getting heavier and heavier as the seconds ticked on until his eyes fell shut.

“Dean…”

The hunters eyes shot open at the whisper of his name and he sat up quickly. He looked to see Castiel looking back at him, the colour slowly starting to come back to his cheeks.

“Hey Cas…what the hell happened back there?” He didn’t hesitate. He needed answers, now.

Cas pushed himself up into a sitting position and leaned back against the cement wall. He closed his eyes for a long beat and took in a deep breath. “I had a small nap and I was feeling a lot better…I was hoping to see if I had any grace left at all, so…I took off the bandage and tried to heal myself. I guess it made it worse instead…”

Dean shook his head. “Come on man…” he groaned, “What were you thinking? You know your mojo’s gone. Why risk it? You could’ve actually died this time.”

“I know.”

Dean sighed. “Well, you’re fine now. All I want you to do now is stay in bed and heal up. You’re no good to anyone broken.” He looked at the ex-angel with hope in his eyes. Maybe he’ll listen this time.

Cas blinked and finally nodded, a small grin appearing on his lips. “I will.”

The relief that washed over the hunter was substantial and his face softened. They both stayed there in silence, staring at each other, the agreement setting itself in invisible stone. 

_Let’s hope that stone doesn’t break._

Before Dean left the room, he lifted up his hand from his lap and covered Cas’ with it, giving it a squeeze, assuring him that he’s here for him and that he’ll be okay, but what happened next he wasn’t expecting.

Cas tensed up, grabbed Dean’s hand and pulled it off his, almost throwing it back at the hunter like a spider had just landed on him.

Dean recoiled his hand close to his chest and looked at the ex-angel, baffled. He watched as Cas severed their eye contact, slide back down under the sheets and rolled onto his side, away from Dean, wrapping his arms around himself.

The hunter didn’t know what to do. _What the hell was that?!_ He glanced at his offensive hand and tightened it into a fist. 

_Did I hurt him? Was there something gross on my hand?_

Completely confused as to what just happened, and seeing that Cas didn’t want to chat anymore, he stood up. With the chair making an ear-bleeding screech against the floor, he marched out of the room and closed the door, maybe little too hard.

The next week wasn’t much better. Cas let the brothers take care of him when he needed it by bringing him food, a change of clothes. He would have good, long conversations with Sam, but whenever Dean tried to talk to him, or give him any attention really, Cas would close himself off. He wouldn’t engage him in conversation, he wouldn’t acknowledge him when he was in the room, and when he did, it was a small ‘Hello’ or a nod of the head and nothing more.

When Cas was finally independent and walking around the bunker on his own, he wouldn’t stay in the same room with Dean for more than 5 minutes. He would excuse himself and Dean wouldn’t see him for the rest of the day. It was like he was avoiding him.

_No, he IS avoiding you, you dumbass._

One day, Sam and Cas were in the map room. Sam was sat at his laptop reading off the screen and Cas was beside him, leaning on his hands on the table staring down at the laptop as well. There was a Rugaru down in Lafayette, Louisiana that had already killed 4 people and Sam was filling Cas in on the details of the attacks when the steel front door of the bunker swung open with a squeal and Dean walked in with two grocery bags hanging off one arm and a case of beer tucked into his side. “Honey, I’m home!” came his deep, husky voice.

“Hey.” Sam replied and looked over as Dean dropped the bags and beer on to the table. “I might’ve found our selves a case.” 

“Oh yeah? Hit me.” The older hunter ripped open the case and popped open a can, taking a deep swig. As he sat down on the opposite side of the table, Cas straightened up and huffed through his nose.

“I’ll put these away.” He grabbed the two bags and headed for the kitchen. 

“Cas, you don’t-“ Dean tried to stop him but the ex-angel was already out of the room before he could finish. He rolled his eyes and waved him off, sitting back in his seat. “Whatever. So, hunt?” He took another swig and paid his attention back to Sam, who was looking at him over the laptop screen with knotted brows. Dean furrowed his. “What?”

“Are you okay?” Sam asked.

“I’m good. Why do you-“

“No like,” Sam closed his computer. “Are you and Cas okay?”

Dean put his beer down and leaned forward. “You noticed it too? Cas being all…weird and shit?”

Sam nodded, “Well, yeah. It’s been kinda the elephant in the room all week. Did you guys have a fight or something? I’ve barely seen you two talk, let alone say even a full sentence to each other. He won’t stay in the room if you’re there. What happened?”

Dean eyebrows lifted and his shook his head. “I don’t know man. Ever since we left the hospital, he’s been acting weird like…avoiding me.”

“Did something happen at the hospital?”

Dean looked at his hands and thought. Then it hit him.

_The kiss…_

_The fucking kiss!_

How could he be so stupid? Of course Cas was trying to avoid him. It was the goddamn kiss. Now that he thought of it, did Cas actually kiss him back? Did he even want it in the first place?

_It was me. I took advantage of him. He was hurt and I did it without thinking. Fuck!_

“Dean? Dean!”

The older hunter jumped out of his thoughts and looked up at Sam. “You with me? You zoned out for a second there.”

Dean cleared his throat and nodded, “Yeah I’m good, uh…” He took another drink of his beer. “I uh…I gotta do a thing.” He stood up and walked out of the map room with his beer. He hoped Cas was still in the kitchen putting the groceries away. He stepped to the door and peaked in. Cas was standing at the island and was pulling the last few boxes of cereal out of the bags. Dean took in a deep breath and stepped down into the room. “Hey.” His voice was quieter than normal.

Cas glanced up at the hunter and quickly looked back down at what he was doing. It took him a few seconds but he mustered up the courage to reply. “Hello.”

The tension in the room was so heavy, not even a chainsaw could cut through it. Dean slowly shuffled his way over to the island, opposite Cas, and placed his beer down on the aluminum counter top. He let his left hand fall to his side and he kept his gaze down as he tapped his fingernail on the metal rim of the can, the ticking sound being the only thing heard in the room. A few beats passed by before Dean finally spoke, “Look Cas-“

“Dean, stop.”

“No, Cas. I wanna talk about this. You can’t just-“

“Dean, shut the fuck up.”

The hunter shut his mouth abruptly. Cas swore. He just swore at him. Cas never swears. He didn’t know if he even could. Dean was almost offended.

“Did you just swear-“

Castiel lifted his head and glared at the hunter, hard. “Do you ever listen to anyone else but yourself?”

“Where the hell is this coming from, Cas?!” Dean was flabbergasted. 

Castiel began to walk around the table towards him. “Can you ever look at someone and think about their feelings first? Or how they act around you?” He stopped in front of the hunter.

Dean’s mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, completely blanking on what to say. “I-I don’t-I try-“

“Cause when someone is unsure of their feelings, or is uncomfortable about something, others try to help that person. They talk to them and help them”

It clicked in Deans brain what Cas was talking about, and his face immediately hardened. He straightened up and stared into his eyes. “Well, it’s hard to do so when that person won’t stay in the goddamn room for longer than 2 minutes. Maybe that person should’ve reached out. Maybe that person could’ve gotten the help that they wanted if they opened up alittle.”

Cas couldn’t handle the knives digging in to his eyes and he had to look away. He turned his head to the side and looked across the room to where the wall met the floor. Dean frowned. He let out a long breath through his nose as he kept his gaze on Cas.

“Cas…” Dean’s voice was no louder than a whisper. “If you just let me in, we can work through this.”

Cas’ blue eyes slowly lifted to meet green.

“You gotta let me in, man…tell me what I can do to fix this.”

The two of them went to Dean’s room and talked. They talked for three hours straight. They talked about Jack, about Mary, about the hunt. Almost everything was up in the air, acknowledged and spoken for. Then came the star of the show: The kiss…

Dean sat in a chair against the opposite wall from the bed where Cas was sitting. Dean had taken off his flannel and now he was just in his jeans and black t-shirt, and Cas had taken off his trenchcoat.

Dean kept a steady stare on Cas, hoping that maybe he would bring up the topic first.

_Of course, he won’t. You started it. You bring it up. Come on, man. Grow some-_

“That day…when I woke up in the hospital.” Cas spoke, cutting Dean’s thoughts short.

_Oh, never mind then…_

“When I saw you sitting there…I had never been happier to see someone in my life.”

Dean’s heart fluttered.

“When I woke up the first time, it was maybe 6 am. I was alone in that room. The lights were off, it was dark and no one was there. I was quite lonely, but I was so weak I almost immediately fell back asleep.” Castiel kept his gaze down at his hands in between his knees. “Then, you were suddenly there when I woke up the second time.”

Dean furrowed his brows, “They said you were asking for me.”

“I was saying your name while I was asleep. I guess they knew I was speaking of you and they called you.”

Dean felt an overwhelming need to be closer to Cas suddenly. He stood up, shuffled over to the bed and sat down beside the ex-angel, their knees brushing ever so slightly.

But one thing was still uncertain.

“Cas…When you grabbed my hand…and the…” Dean looked at Cas’ profile. His eyes traced over his forehead, down his nose, and to his lips.

“You weren’t close enough.” Cas said, his voice barely a whisper. “I needed to know that you were actually there.”

That sentence punched Dean in the stomach. Of course he was there. He was right beside him. He was real.

“But when you…you know…all that was in my head was the girls you met at bars and brought back here.”

Dean frowned. “Cas, thats-“

“Listen to me, Dean. Think about it. You’re at a bar. You’re drunk. You’re vulnerable. So is that girl you have been looking at all night. You walk over to her, sweet talk her, kiss her and bring her home. That’s the last and only time you see her.” Cas was now staring right into Dean, his eyes sad and angry at the same time. 

It took Dean a minute, but then it occurred to him. Realization dawned over his face and he grabbed Cas’ hands in his own, gripping them tightly.

“Cas. You are NOT some girl at a bar.” Cas shook his head and looked down at this lap. “No, look at me.” He lifted Cas’ chin back up locked his eyes on his. “You are not them. You will never be them….You will never be them because I didn’t love them.”

The ex-angel froze. His lips parted slightly. Did he just hear that?

_Did I just say that?_

“Dean.” Cas breathed.

A small smile creeped over Dean’s lips. “Cas. I didn’t have feelings for those girls. There was nothing there. But this?” He motioned between the two of them, the emotion on his face overwhelming. “This is different. Completely different…When you started to avoid me, I thought you didn’t feel the same way. I thought I fucked up everything. Royally.”

Cas shook his head. “That is not true. Dean, I…” Cas paused to think about what he was about to say. “I never experienced these feelings before. They discouraged the use of emotions in heaven, so I was conditioned to never feel them and well…I didn’t know what to do except distance myself.”

“But you’re not in heaven Cas. You haven’t been for a long time. You are free to feel whatever you want here. Don’t be scared of feeling.”

_Avalon Bay_

Cas couldn’t help but grin and Dean smiled back. Dean slowly lifted his hand and cupped Cas’ cheek softly, the angel tilting his head into the soft drag of Dean’s thumb over his cheek bone. The hunter’s eyes fell to Cas’ lips and he moistened his own and he let his hand slid down to the back of Cas’ neck and put very mild pressure, making Cas lean forward and latch his lips onto his.

A sudden shock of electricity shot through them as their lips touched and Cas’ hand came up and wrapped around Dean’s wrist. Dean pressed closer and cupped the ex-angel’s other cheek.

Cas dragged his tongue over Dean’s lips, and Dean slipped his mouth open, allowing Cas to kiss him deeper and harder, his breath getting louder. He rested his hand on Dean’s hip and grabbed the fabric of his shirt there, pulling towards himself.

Dean needed to be closer, so without breaking the kiss, he got onto his knees on the bed and kissed down into Cas, arching his back out and tilting Cas’ head up. The moan that erupted in Cas’ throat ignited something in Dean and he pushed Cas’ down onto his back by his shoulders and he climbed on top of him, straddling his hips.

With the kiss now broken, they could get a good look at each other. Cas on his back, suit jacket open and tie flung over his shoulder, hair sticking out every which way. Dean looming above him, lips red and swollen. The hunter couldn’t fathom it. This moment. It was actually happening. It had been a long 11 years.

Dean grabbed the back of his shirt and yanked it over his head, flinging it across the room and at the same time, Cas was loosening his tie, pulling it over his head and started unbuttoning his shirt. Dean slapped his hands out of the way. “Let me.” He started to undo one button, but then caught the ex-angels eyes. He winked, grabbed and pulled. Every button snapped off and the fabric was ripped off his chest. Cas’ lips curled at the ends and a small huff of a chuckle fell out, making Dean smile. “Much quicker.” Dean then ducked down and caught Cas’ lips on his own, licking in and kissing deep, his hands cupping his face and almost lifting him up, allowing Cas to slip off the rest of the shirt and discard it to the floor.

The ex-angel’s hands then slid down Dean’s back and stopped at the waist band of his jeans, and he dragged his nails along the hem, leaving light red lines on each side of his spine. That made Dean stop kissing him and hover over Cas’ lips, breathing into him, resting his forehead on his. He waited for Cas to move, but with nothing of the sort happening, he took it into his own hands, literally.

The hunter undid the button on his jeans and zipped down the fly, and with the waistband now loosened, placed his hand on top of Cas’, and guided it down into his pants and cupped his ass, which made him gasp into Cas’ mouth.

“Is this okay?” He asked. Castiel licked his lips and responded with a hum, which was enough for Dean. He started to undo Cas’ pants and pushed them down. He looked down at him hungrily and found himself bringing his hand down.

Cas’ jumped at the sudden touch and gasped. He’s never been touched like this before. Well, he’s touched himself before, lots of times, but its different when it’s someone else. It’s a whole new level of pleasure that he didn’t think existed.

Oh, and it was good.

Really good.

“Cas…”

The ex-angel opened his eyes and was met Dean’s half lidded green orbs staring back at him. His skin was already glistening with a thin layer of sweat and his lips were parted and the tip of his tongue was resting on his bottom teeth.

“Are you okay if I…” he motioned his eyes downward to where his hand is. Cas moistened his lips and nodded. Of course he was okay with it. He’s wanted this for so long. He didn’t want to wait any longer. His other hand came down on top of Dean’s and grabbed it tightly, which made Dean’s finger close around him. Cas’ groaned loudly and his eyes rolled back into his head.

Dean bit his lip and started to move his hand up and down, creating more warmth and friction between skin and cotton, and Cas started to unravel. The sensation was unreal to him, and Dean was so good at it.

Cas could feel himself getting closer and to his own displeasure, he yanked Dean’s hand off him. “It’s my turn.” He growled. Catching Dean off guard, he pushed Dean onto this side and rolled him over to Cas was now on top, holding Dean’s wrists down on the bed.

Dean’s eyes went wide. He didn’t expect this from the angel, but he liked it. He liked being taken control over. From him always being the leader on hunts, if he could be dominated in the bedroom, it was a fantastic day.

Cas latched his lips just under the hunter’s jaw and sucked hard, determined to leave a mark. Once spot was red and raw, he moved down, kissing every inch down his neck, over his collar bone and chest, over his stomach until he reached his jeans, barely touching his lips to the skin under his belly button. Dean kept his eyes on him, reveling in the sight before him. An ex-angel of the lord was going to have his way with him, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Castiel softly ghosted his fingers over the skin above the waistband and kissed his stomach one, two, three times before yanking the denim and boxers down and off, throwing them the side. Dean watched as Cas nuzzled his face into the inside of Dean’s thigh and got closer to him. His head fell back to rest his aching neck and closed his eyes, waiting for the feeling of Cas’ mouth on- there it is! Dean’s entire body seized and he reached up and grabbed the solid headboard above him. His toes curled and uncurled as Cas’ worked his mouth up and down him, his tongue lapping over the tip before taking him back in again.

It wasn’t long until Dean was coming hard, right into the back of Cas’ throat. His body jolted ever so often until it finally calmed down. His grip loosened on the head board, his fingers screaming for relief. It was hard for him to catch his breath and he put his face against his own bicep, breathing hard. He hadn’t come that hard in who knows how long.

Cas crawled his way up to Dean’s face, licking up a bead of sweat off his stomach before kissing him hard. The hunter could taste himself on Cas’ lips. Fuck, that was hot.

“Jesus Christ Cas…how are you so good at that?” Dean panted out.

“Angel’s don’t have a gag reflex.”

“Oh fuck…” that sentence made Dean twitch and lull his head back. Oh, the things he could do with that information. He cracked his eyes open, “Do you want me to..?” He winked at at the man above him.

“Actually, I was hoping to keep giving.” He reached down and snaked his hand underneath Dean and dragged his finger by his hole, which made Dean shudder.

“You angels…bless your souls.” The hunter whispered out and Cas chuckled. “There’s stuff in the drawer.”

Cas reached over and opened the drawer in the side table and found lube and condoms. He grabbed both. He pulled off his underwear, ripped open the condom and rolled it on. He squirted some lube on his hand and slicked his fingers. Dean gripped the headboard again as Cas lifted one of Dean’s legs up and over his shoulder. He circled his index finger around his hole before pushing in. The hunter tightened around him.

Dean couldn’t remember the last time he was touched like this. Years maybe. Him and Lee had a thing for a short amount of time before Lee’s father died and he booked it. But they were 21 at the time. That was a long time ago.

Cas inserted a second and a third finger without Dean even realizing it. Dean had to resist fucking himself on Cas’ fingers. He wanted to enjoy this properly. He needed to.

“Dean, you alright?” Cas asked, his deep voice impossibly lower. The hunter but his lip and nodded, his eyes slipping closed.

“Yes, yes…I need you Ca….I-..” He was mumbling gibberish into his bicep, but Cas knew exactly what he meant. He removed his fingers, Dean whining at the sudden emptiness and lined himself up and pushed in. Dean’s breath hitched and his head rolled back. Cas pushed in deeper and deeper until he reached the hilt and just stayed there.

He wanted Dean to beg for it. He wanted him to plead for it. He needed to hear Dean whine and suffer for some kind of movement or touch. 

Which is exactly what he got. Dean started to wiggle alittle bit and a small whine escaped his lips.

“What do you want Dean?” Cas asked as he tightened his grip on Dean’s thigh, digging his nails into the skin.

“C-Cas….please…move. Please…I can’t…”

Cas smirked. “If you insist.” He slowly pulled out, almost all the way and without any warning, slammed back into Dean, jolting the bed. Dean let out a loud cry and his mouth fell open as Cas instantly hit is prostate.

“Again, again, again, again…” he panted until Cas pulled out and slammed back in. He started to even his thrusts out, the headboard slamming against the cement wall with every push in. Cas rested his head on Dean’s leg, and he playfully snuck a little nibble onto the sensitive skin on the inside of Dean’s knee. He could already feel himself getting close. He bit his lip and let out and deep groan, breath billowing past his lips, as he slowly pulled out and slammed back in.

“Dean….Dean, I’m gonna…Hah! I’m gonna…” Cas panted.

“Yes, Cas. Yes!” Dean begged, every thrust grazing that sweet spot within him.

With three more thrusts, Cas was coming hard. He thrusted through it and Dean suddenly came a second time, right after.

Their climaxes and adrenaline slowly came down and Cas pulled out gingerly. He slipped the condom off, tied it and deposited it in the trash can next to the bed. His head hung as he tried to catch his breath.

Dean swallowed and let out a grunt. He brought a hand down from the headboard and stroked up and down Cas’ arm next to this head. They both opened their eyes at the same time and locked gazes.

“Ho-ly shit.” Dean swore and chuckled. Cas laughed, softly letting down Dean’s leg, a soft groan coming from Dean as the stiffness of having his leg yanked up like that showed itself. The ex-angel ducked down, kissing Dean deeply, the hunter raking his fingers from the bottom of Cas’ neck and up through his hair.

“Your side okay?” Dean asked, still out of breath.

Cas glanced down and saw the big scar going from the bottom of his ribs down to his hip. Dean glanced down and softly dragged his fingers over the soft, sensitive skin.

“I’ll live.” Cas chuckled.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is kinda based in current canon (mid season 15) but it doesn't really go with the plot line, and at the same time it does. It's my own little headcanon. I hope that makes sense. This is also the first time I've written a fic in maybe 4 years. I just havent had the motivation to put words to paper, but recently, my love for Destiel has kinda lit a fire beneath my butt and this came from that. Idk how many chapter this is going to be, so lets go on this journey together!


End file.
